I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
