He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I could make wine with my vomit
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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