i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
