so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
