You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize