Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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