i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How drunk are you?
Completed.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
