Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
