i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
