Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This is my life. Enjoy the view
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
