so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
