I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
