Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
