You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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