finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
