I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
