We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize