So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
