i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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