You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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