I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
