I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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