wanna go halves on a baby?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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