what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
