The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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