and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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