I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
