i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
