Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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