Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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