i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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