We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
