Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
