did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize