alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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