I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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