My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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