just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
