I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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