the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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