My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
