anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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