I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My balls are so social today.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize