Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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