Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This house was built for laser tag.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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