I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
