Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize