I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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