I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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