Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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