she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
