these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
