but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
