I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
