mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
