I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
