A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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