I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
