So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
