I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think my nap took me to another dimension
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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